If he sent you this link

If you're here, he probably just told you something. Maybe he wears panties. Maybe he wants to be locked, or wants you to take the lead. Maybe you found something before he got the chance to tell you.

However it happened, your head is probably going in a few directions at once. That's normal. Here are the things I wish someone had told the women in my life before I ever opened my mouth.

You didn't do anything wrong

The question a lot of women end up lying awake with is some version of "so what am I, then?" If this is what he wants, was I ever enough?

Almost always, yes. Usually more than enough. What he's telling you is about a part of himself, not a verdict on you. For a lot of men this goes back to before they ever met you, sometimes to when they were kids. He's been carrying it alone for a long time, and the fact that he brought it to you usually means you're the safest person he's got.

It usually isn't what porn makes it look like

For a lot of men, this is about getting to put something down. Most of his day he's in charge, deciding things and holding it together. Wanting to surrender, or to wear something soft, or to let you lead for a while, is often about rest and relief more than anything else.

And it usually has nothing to do with who he's attracted to. Plenty of men who crossdress are straight and married and very much in love with their wives.

You don't have to become anyone else

You don't have to turn into a leather-clad dominatrix. Most women who end up enjoying some version of this do it in their own way: playful, teasing, warm, sometimes a little bossy, and still very much themselves. And regular sex stays on the table. One night of something new doesn't cancel everything you already have.

Your no is a real answer

You're allowed to say no, or not yet, or "I need to think." A good man hears that without sulking, without pushing, and without bringing it up every night to check. If he's read what we write, he knows that.

Things you're allowed to ask him

• How long have you felt this way?
• What does it actually do for you? How does it feel?
• Is there anything else you haven't told me?
• What are you hoping I'll do, if anything? What are you not asking for?
• Does anyone else know?

Ask whatever you want. He should answer it all, honestly, without overselling.

Where to go from here

If you want to understand what's going on with him, start with Acceptance and She's Here: Meet Jade, where my wife talks about what went through her head. Both are free.

If this has stirred up something heavy for you, or for him, there are good people to talk to on the support page. You don't have to work it out alone.